A Society Column

by Leigh McMillian

I've been writing this column for 10 years now, and I must say, I've never attended a gala quite like the one last week. I was invited to join Paul and Penny Sycamore as they celebrated the engagement of their daughter Alice to Mr. Anthony Kirby, Jr..

Things definitely started off on the wrong foot when Mr. and Mrs. Anthony Kirby, Sr. arrived a day early, interrupting Essie Carmichael's ballet lesson with renowned Russian ballet instructor Boris Kolenkhov.

I've got to hand it to Penny Sycamore. She did her best to piece together a last-minute dinner, sending the family's devoted maid Reba out to the store for frankfurters, Campbell's soup and canned corn. The menu changed dramatically when Reba came back with pickled pigs feet instead. I've heard that, since the party, the family has made the acquaintance of Duchess Olga Katrina. Too bad she wasn't on hand to make her famous blintzes.

Would-be actress Gay Wellington, invited to audition for one of Mrs. Sycamore's latest plays, added a little impromptu entertainment with her drunken rendition of "There was a young lady from Wheeling."

The evening wound down early when things got a little tense during a game of Forget-Me-Not. The Kirby's were on their way out the door when three officers from the Department of Justice arrived to arrest Ed Carmichael for distributing anti-government propaganda. Further investigation in the basement revealed a very entertaining but highly illegal fireworks operation run by Paul Sycamore and his partner, Mr. De Pinna.

Martin Vanderhof, Mrs. Sycamore's father, attempted to smooth things over but when I left to file this column, the whole group was being loaded into a paddy wagon, leaving several shipments of Love Dreams, an unfinished portrait and a jar of uneaten pickled pigs feet.

Which just goes to show, sometimes you can't take it with you.